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In typical let’s-scare-the-holy-bejeezus-out-of-everyone fashion, the copy editors over at the Chron let loose with this story and headline:

Thousands could die if a giant tornado ever hits Houston

The sub headline was even better:

Experts say toll might surpass the 8,000 of the Galveston Hurricane of 1900

The story goes on to describe what this killer twister MIGHT look like and how it might destroy your house, eat your children and have sex with your wife. In honor of that and Photine’s crack about Godzilla, I’ve decided to make my own list of 10 other ways you might die in Houston.

Satan Blows Up the Astrodome
When Lucifer hears that the Eighth Wonder of the World is going to be converted into a luxury hotel complex, he decides that, if the memories of the torture Houstonians suffered at the hands of the Oilers are going to be ruined by some cushy hotel, he’s going to destroy it and us in a columbia blue explosion.

A Freak Freeze at the Ship Channel
If there is anything the movie The Day After Tomorrow taught us, it is that freak weather conditions happen and fast. In a once-in-a-lifetime freeze event, the ship channel is subjected to 100-degree-below-zero temperatures within the span of seconds and the ship channel bridge collapses from the brittleness hurtling hundreds to their icy deaths. This would occur during a Friday-before-a-three-day-weekend rush hour because that is the optimum killing time and the weather knows that.

Assimilation by Paul Bettencourt
Our sorta-beloved tax collector is not only a fiscal conservative, he’s also a Trekkie. What we didn’t realize is that he also happens to be Borg. How else do you think he can sign the back of all those tax checks he gets from Houstonians? I mean, no HUMAN could physically sign all of those. In a fit of rage over stadium financing and light rail, Bettencourt assimilates every government employee and turns the county courthouse into a Borg cube hoping to improve efficiency. Even that doesn’t help.

Eaten by Roaming Packs of Wild Cats
If you live in the Heights or virtually any inner city area, you realize that there are quite a few stray cats. In an unholy alliance and driven by a catnip-fueled rage, strays join paws and wreak havoc upon the city demanding canned food and scratching whatever they damn well please. It is only in the sweet release of death that frees humans from the torture of cleaning millions of catboxes. Many die simply from the smell.

Rodeo Clown Stampede
Oh, sure, you thought it was just the animals you had to worry about. Nobody warned you about the out-of-control rampage by the freaking clowns. They’re evil.

One Word: Beyonce
I’m just saying, she’s dangerous.

Mac vs. Hilton
Caught in the crossfire of mattress and sports-fan-turned-owner warfare, the two lob heat-seeking Sealy’s at one another from across town. I-45 is destroyed in a hail of fiery tennis balls. Haley the Comets’ mascot rains down blows upon innocent passers by. No one is safe. And that’s a fact…jack.

Tilman Fertita-ed
Because the city would be classier if it were made of gold, like his new casino, the Landry’s exec pours hot molten gold from his helicopter covering every building in downtown Houston while laughing maniacally and stroking his pussy. (What? He’s got a cat! Don’t you watch James Bond? Get your mind out of the gutter, people!)

San Jacinto Monument Really a Missle
Confirming our worst fears, the obelisk turns out to be a rocket powered nuclear missle and launches unexpectedly…on a Wednesday. No one would expect Wednesday - Tuesday, maybe, but not Wednesday. The rocket boosters, however, rusted by years of contact with underground pollutants emanating from the nearby ship channel (soon to be frozen in a freak blizzard), fail and the missle detonates in the center of the Pasadena chemical refineries. Eventually, Houston is re-populated and residents live long, asthma-free lives.

And finally…

Death by Stripper
I’m not going to go into the gruesome details, but let’s just say it wouldn’t be the worst way to go.

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Hopefully, the Chron will see these possibilities and give them some coverage. After all, they deserve as much attention as killer tornadoes.

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