Monkey Business: India Has a Barrel o’ Problems
October 21st, 2007 by jeff
Let me first say that the death of an Indian official is very sad. The death of anyone is tragic. However, rarely are the circumstances surrounding the death so bizarre.
NEW DELHI — Wild monkeys attacked a senior government official who then fell from a balcony at his home and died today, media reported.
New Delhi Deputy Mayor S.S. Bajwa was rushed to a hospital after the attack by a gang of Rhesus macaques, but succumbed to head injuries sustained in his fall, the Press Trust of India news agency and The Times of India reported.
Many government buildings, temples and residential neighborhoods in New Delhi are overrun by Rhesus macaques, which scare passers-by and occasionally bite or snatch food from unsuspecting visitors.
This is, obviously, a serious issue, and no doubt a horrible way to die. But, the solution proposed by Indian officials may be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
Part of the problem is that devout Hindus believe monkeys are manifestations of the monkey god Hanuman and feed them bananas and peanuts — encouraging them to frequent public places.
Over the years, city authorities have employed monkey catchers who use langurs — a larger and fiercer kind of monkey — to scare or catch the macaques, but the problem persists.
I’m picturing the discussion at the Indian Ministry of Monkey Control something like this:
Official 1: Ok, so these monkeys have taken it up to another level now. They’ve killed someone.
Official 2: What do we do?
Official 1: Well, we’ve got to get rid of them.
Official 2: Hunters?
Official 1: Too dangerous.
Official 2: Poison?
Official 1: Nah, it could get into the water supply or hurt kids and pets.
Official 2: Right, it could hurt the elephants.
Official 1: Wait, I’ve got it!
Official 2: What???!!!
Official 1: What if we brought in bigger, more fearsome monkeys to take out the smaller one’s?
Official 2: Wait, what?
Official 1: Think about it. It will be all all-out monkey battle!
Official 2: You’re serious?
Official 1: Hell, yeah. Even if it doesn’t work, it will be damn entertaining.
Official 2: But, where do we find bigger, more dangerous monkeys?
Official 1: Are you kidding? This is India.
Official 2: Oh, right. But, what happens if the bigger monkeys get out of control.
Official 1: Then we go to the orangutan.
Official 2: Right, like in Every Which Way but Loose!
Official 1: I tend to prefer Every Which Way You Can myself.
Official 2: Ok, but what if they go crazy too?
Official 1: One word: gorillas.
Official 2: I guess that’s why you’re the boss.
