jeffbalke.com - words.pictures.music

From Jef (just one ‘f’) with local rockers The Black Math Experiment. Seriously hilarious and sadly true although I might quibble about #10.

1. Rappers, thou shall not message or comment phonetically. Typing a dialect is like trying to catch Down’s syndrome to get out of class. I realize that once you actually type a phrase like “off the hook” out in plain normal English you notice how incredibly stupid a thing it is to say, but you should embrace this epiphany. It means that you are still capable of independent thought, and that the mighty TV gods have not completely consumed your soul.

2. Thou shall not use a fire theme in thy layouts. Fire does not make un-metal bands metal, nor does it make metal bands more metal. Hippies sing around a campfire. Having fire in no way makes you extreme or hardcore, unless you’re Rammstein and you actually set yourself on fire. Thou are not Rammstein.

3. Thou shall not put famous people thou do not know in thy top friends, especially if they are dead. You are not on speaking terms with Frank Zappa or Kurt Cobain, and they are not here to defend themselves. If you really want to start an online relationship with legends that have passed on, do the decent thing and kill yourself so that you may ask them if it is OK first. As for live ones, you don’t know them either.

4. Book thyself. Don’t ask other bands to set up your shows, especially if you’ve just met. Why on Earth would someone do all your legwork for you? You come from Six Toe, AK (where I’m sure you’re very popular), and we are not going to “trade shows”. Call a club and ask for a booking, then ask a band if they want to be on the bill. THEN, you can combine efforts.

5. Thou shall not put sparklies on thy page. There is no act so unmanly that it requires a sparkling graphic. Sparkles are the AIDS of the Internet, and we must find a cure.

6. I am thy cursor. Thou shall have no other cursors other than I. Do not give your page the unholy power to turn my perfectly serviceable arrow into a joker card, flaming skull, or the oh-so-original pot leaf. Both Apple and Microsoft have agreed on the basic cursor, which is like Jesus and Buddha endorsing a soft drink. Who are you to change the fabric of sanity.

7. Honor thy influences. Your band does not “sound like nothing else”. It sounds very much like something else. We can tell you own every Tool album by your page’s artwork. All great musicians steal, so just say whom you’re stealing from and go back to being mediocre.

8. Thy page shall be simple. Your page is basically a high-tech flyer. There are about five pieces of information that people need to know, and the rest is just you trying to orally pleasure yourself. Just remember, the average Internet surfer won’t look at a non-porn page that takes more than five seconds to load. If you’re page takes ten and freezes my crappy computer to boot, then you really need to lose some cyber-weight.

9. Thou shall not “show some love”. You’re not “dropping by”. You’re not “helping a brother out”. You are typing letters into a box so that someone can read it on another box. You do not live in the electro-box.

10. The Black Math Experiment is the most awesome band. Goes without saying.

[via The Skyline Network]

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