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Playing gigs is a weird experience. It is equally fun, frustrating and bizarre.

One thing that is a never ending source of both humor and interest in the interactions we musicians have with people at bars and clubs we play. Most of the conversations are very polite and often genuinely enjoyable, even enlightening. There are others that are bizarre or even borderline crazy. Alcohol frequently plays a role.

Here is my top 10 list of the things said to musicians at gigs. This is my personal list of things I’ve heard multiple times. If you’re a musician and want to add, be my guest. I have no doubt forgotten many, MANY more.

10. Can I play the drums?

I don’t know, can you? About 90 percent of the time, it is a girl that asks this question and, virtually all of the time, the person who asks has no clue how to play. A large percentage of the time, this person is drunk. This is always asked after a gig and as you are tearing down trying to get home before dawn. If the house lights haven’t come on and the bartender hasn’t come around at least once telling everyone to get the hell out, that’s coming soon.

9. My buddy plays in [insert band name]. Ever hear of them?

The band will never be famous and most likely will be a garage band that plays house parties. His “buddy” would probably be embarrassed the question was ever asked and you try to be polite and say, “No, I’ve never heard of Johnny Boy and Monkey Town. Are they from Houston?” which is really code for, “Dude, I’m trying to load out. Can you just email me your question through MySpace?”

8. I can get you [insert virtually anything]…

Whenever a stranger approaches you and says, “I can get you on the bill at Cochella” or “I could play your music for this guy I know who works for Universal” it almost always means he is full of crap. There is like a one in ten thousand chance he is legit, which is why you are always nice and hear him out. The amount of crap he is full of is directly proportional to the amount of time he talks without letting you respond. If the words “battle of the bands” or “benefit show” come out of his mouth, run.

7. You guys remind me of [insert band name].

This is nearly ALWAYS followed by the weirdest and least likely comparison in the history of music. If you play blues, for example, you might hear, “Man, you guys remind me of Miles Davis meets Christina Aguilera.” There are also go-to bands and artists you hear constantly. A blues guitarist always sounds like Stevie Ray Vaugn. If you have even a HINT of country in your music, you clearly sound like the Eagles. If you have a flute, you sound like Jethro Tull, although that one may actually be true.

6. Why didn’t you play [insert song name].

In a way, this is a compliment. If someone knows your material enough to realize you didn’t play a particular song, that’s great. On the other hand, it’s kind of saying, “Your other songs suck. Why didn’t you play the one I like? I just wasted eight bucks!” My favorite is when I say we played it early in the set and the person responds, “Well, play it later next time so I don’t miss it.” Noted.

5. You guys know any [insert artist]?

This is more frequently asked of bands that play covers, but it could be asked by anyone at anytime. Ten percent of the time, the requested artist will be someone so unrecognizable, you feel like an idiot when you ask, “Who?” Fifty percent of the time, the request is so obvious, you wonder why you even became a musician in the first place (Hey, you guys know Margaritaville?). The rest of the time, it’s something “we can dance to.” I’ll get right on that.

4. I couldn’t hear the [insert instrument].

Another seemingly friendly piece of advice that can go horribly awry. The instrument in question is split into two categories:

a. Whatever you play (this advice is almost always given by a good friend, relative or girl/boyfriend who doesn’t want to see you “dissed” by the rest of the band).
b. The vocals

If the person in question is feeling particularly salty (or drunk), there is a decent chance he/she will approach the sound guy and tell him to turn up whatever the too-quiet instrument is. This may or may not result in the sound guy turning that instrument off in the mix just to spite the person for asking.

3. You guys rock!

If genuinely given by someone who really likes you, this is the highest of praise. If given by a drunk guy in between every song while grabbing your mic stand, this is the height of annoyance.

2. I play guitar.

I was going to put [insert instrument], but let’s be honest, the truth is there is only one instrument every guy in a bar plays and that’s guitar. This may mean he once had an acoustic that he played in high school or that he has some beat up pawn shop guitar covered in dust in his closet with only 5 strings on it. It may ACTUALLY mean he plays guitar for real and is good, but this, at best, a one-in-twenty possibility. The revelation that this gentleman plays guitar can lead to various discussions about your “cool stomp boxes” or the admission that he always wanted to play but “it’s tough when you have a job, a wife, kids and bills to pay.” In some ways, you, as a musician, have become a temporary psychiatrist. Your only way out is to shake his hand and tell him to “Keep on rockin’, bro.”

1. Freebird!

You KNEW it was coming, didn’t you? I have no idea where this weak attempt at music humor came from, but there is only one way to defeat this scourge. Learn Freebird. They think it’s funny now. But, wait until you are in minute 10 of that long-ass guitar solo. If the audience doesn’t turn on you, they’ll no doubt kill the offending heckler and rock out to your killer southern rock riff fest.

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This would all be really funny if it weren’t totally true. It’s like when the keyboard player from Uriah Heep was working as a consultant on the film This is Spinal Tap and he kept telling director Rob Reiner, “I don’t know why you think this is funny. This is shit that actually happens.”

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