The 10 Commandments for Live Music in Clubs: Employees
May 14th, 2008 by jeff
In keeping with my series on the do’s and do not’s at live music shows in smaller venues, I give you my top 10 rules for those stalwart employees of smoky (depending upon your ordinances), dingy rock bars. You chose to work there. The least you can do is try and make the whole thing more pleasant for everyone.
1. Thou shalt always provide free sodas for the band.
This is absolutely non-negotiable and, frankly, the least you can do. It costs you basically nothing and makes the band happy. When a musician asks for a Coke and you say “two bucks,” don’t be shocked when we look at you like, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
2. Thou shalt not complain about slow bar sales.
We, as musicians, are not here to sell drinks for you. We cannot control what our fans do. We will encourage folks to support the venue, buy drinks, tip well, etc., but it isn’t our fault if they don’t.
3. Thou shalt never make bands pay to play.
There are plenty of ways to work getting paid. You can give the band the door, take a percentage of the door, pay a flat rate or do some sort of draw, but never is it acceptable to make a band pay to play in your venue. And don’t try to fool us with some ticket scam where we have to buy X number of tickets in advance and then we get like a buck for each one a fan brings to a show. That’s bullshit. You know it and we know it.
4. Honor thy contract.
If you agree to pay the band before the show starts, don’t tell them you will pay them after. If you agree on a certain amount, don’t try to weasel out of it. This is not all that complicated.
5. Thou shalt not hold bands accountable for small crowds on weeknights.
I understand that sometimes bands need to prove themselves to a venue and play on a weeknight. But, don’t be shocked if 3 people show up to see us at midnight on a Tuesday. What do you expect? If you think the band is good, hook us up with a more popular band on a weekend and allow us to build a following. When we do get more popular, you’ll benefit from it because we’ll keep booking at your venue.
6. Thou shalt be available to book gigs regularly.
There is nothing more frustrating than having to call someone 100 times just to get them to tell you they have nothing available for you. Have some set hours. Return your emails even if you think we suck. We can take it. Let us book the night be play if necessary. Just don’t make us chase you down for nothing more than a yes or no answer. It’s a waste of everyone’s time.
7. Thou shalt promote thyself.
We are going to pimp ourselves. You can count on that. We know what happens if we don’t. But do NOT rely on us alone for promotion. If you build a reputation, people will show up just because you are open and book good bands. That works in both of our favor. Take out ads. Keep your website (especially the calendar!!!) up to date. You know, promote yourself!
8. Thou shalt think local.
One of the best ways for a band to increase its following is by opening for touring acts. If you are the type of venue that books regional and national touring acts, encourage them to allow you to book at least one local band to open the show. They may ask to approve them, but that’s ok. Just give them our website or MySpace. When we ask about this possibility, don’t tell us to contact the bands. We have a hard enough time getting hold of you.
9. Thou shalt provide a working sound system and a competent sound man (or more money).
Any decent live rock club is going to have its own sound system. Most will have a sound man as well. This just makes good sense. You are more likely to have quality sound on a nightly basis and have better control of the overall sound. You’ll also make the bands happy. If you don’t provide sound, pay us more. It’s hard enough schlepping our gear without having to bring PA systems and sound men, who charge us.
10. Thou shalt work with the band’s sound.
Nothing is more frustrating than a sound guy who demands that you change to suit him. Don’t tell a metal band to turn down the guitar. Don’t tell the drummer to just deal with the hum in his monitors. And when the singer needs more vocals in his monitor, just give it to him. Yes, we realize there are some prima donnas out there, but those can include audio engineers.
you forgot about letting friends/regulars in without paying the door
Re 2. Thou shalt not complain about slow bar sales.
We, as musicians, are not here to sell drinks for you.
—
Actually, you are, though I agree that carping to the band about bar receipts is bad form.
As a club owner, I’m in business to sell drinks. So I need patrons. How do I attract them? Let’s see–comedy, karaoke, sports, titties … ah, Music!
Okay, I’ll present live music–original work by local and touring acts. But that doesn’t mean that my establishment’s raison d’être is to showcase your art. I’m here to make money (if altruism paid, I’d book a bagpiper–or a jazz combo). I like to eat with the lights on, and I want my kids to go to good schools so they don’t grow up to be club owners or bagpipers … or jazz musicians.
Capitalist douche bag, right? Not necessarily. It’s gauche to talk about money, but let’s examine the bottom line. “The Office” doesn’t exist solely to tickle your anus (that’s what she said?). Sunny 99.1 isn’t on the dial merely to soothe you with Rod Stewart and Phil Collins all day long. The name of the game is capturing an audience for advertisers (I know you know this). In my case, I need a crowd to buy my delicious booze.
If I were a cynic I would call you “the bait.” But I’m not. In this town, the smart money would have bet on titties or sports. But I love music. And I love to see people practicing their various arts. Ours is a symbiotic relationship. To paraphrase the poet, I’ve got the money, honey, and you’ve got the time.
So please know that I’m rooting for you. I hope you sell enough merch to make Gene Simmons blush. Go ahead–save Africa, feed the world and let them know it’s Christmastime and all that shit. But tonight, more than anything, I want you to entertain the people. Make them happy. They’ll keep drinking. They’ll have a good night. They’ll come back, and they’ll bring their friends.
This is crystallized most eloquently by Jim’s Big Ego in “Boston Band”:
and we’re a local Boston Band
another local Boston Band
another local fucking Boston fucking Band
and we’re here
to help sell beer
and we’re here
to fill this club
and we’re here
to make you wanna buy our disc
and we’re here
and we’re here
and we’re here
and we’re here
(Loved you in XcentriX, by the way.)
Hey, I get your point completely, but the truth is bands can’t control what people who come to see us do. You are correct that it is a symbiotic relationship. We bring people. You sell them booze. But, if a band brings a decent crowd and they decide not to drink, that isn’t something the band can fix.
I’ve played shows where the place was packed and the bar didn’t do very well and other places where it was nearly empty but the people there drank themselves under the table.
My point was simply that it is our job to, as you put it, make people happy. IF those happy people choose to drink or not, that isn’t on us. If a band plays enough times and the bar makes no money, don’t book the band anymore. All we can do is bring them in the door. Once they are there, it is out of our hands.
And I don’t know how you know about XcentriX, but God help us all.
I think we agree here.
The band isn’t accountable for the audience’s collective decision regarding alcohol consumption.
Club management is ultimately responsible for bar receipts. A smart team will recognize a correlation (”Bar sales are explosive when Sherry Enema is onstage, but they suffer the hatchetations when we have The Carrie A. Nation Experience.”) and take appropriate action. This might very well mean, as you advise, not bringing back a particular act, but management should make that decision behind closed doors, not bitch at the talent about slow sales.
Playing devil’s advocate is work. I need a drink.
(P.S. Come on, the worst thing about XcentriX was the haircuts. Those kids could play!)