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Dear TV News,

How’s it going? You and I, we’ve known each other a while, so I figured I could shoot straight with you. We’ve been through hurricanes, scandals and even that time when Marlene McClinton walked off channel 11 on air because she was pissed. Remember that shit?

Anyway, I wanted to give it to you for realz because you deserve it.

There was a time when I trusted you, bud. I watched Ron Stone and Steve Smith and Dave Ward. I believed in you guys.

Then, channel 2 started running 10-second stories making poor Bill Balleza (he of the bad red sweater during Rocket playoff appearances) and Linda Lorelle sound like auctioneers…”We got a murder on the east side going once, twice, SOLD!” Soon after, sweeps week became all death defying feats and breast implants. Before long, you were interrupting regular programming to do flyovers when horses got their hind quarters stuck in storm drains.

Look, guy, I love you, but when Rob Arnold is standing in the middle of waist-deep water during Tropical Storm Allison imploring the public not to go in the water, I have to rethink my loyalties.

So, for many years, I’ve ignored you. New anchors and even stations (What’s up, CW? How you doin’?) have popped up and still I’ve stayed away. Even Lucy Noland and her boobalicious cleavage didn’t draw me within nestling distance…until today.

Today, at 6pm, I found myself relaxing after an afternoon run in front of the TV. I was casually flipping around channels cooling off when I accidentally landed on channel 11…in HD no less. What I found would be disappointing if it weren’t so NOT surprising.

There was more commercial time than I expected. About every 2 minutes, I got more ads. What’s up with that, buddy? What happened? If that weren’t bad enough, every commercial was preceded by teasers for stories that should have been at the top of the broadcast.

Then, my old friend, the capper. The next two stories teased by the anchors were as follows:

Researchers try to determine if a UFO landed in north Texas.
A woman claims the Virgin Mary appeared to her in her living room.

Oh, local tv news, what has become of you?? You once aspired to Walter Cronkite and Tom Brokaw. You were real journalists. Sure, you covered bake-offs, slime in the ice machine and we occasionally got roped into things like, God help us, Wayne Dolcefino. But, we also got real news and the real story.

Now, it’s all boobs, angels and stories designed to scare the living shit out of us.

Sigh.

So, thanks for all the years of service, my dear old pal, but this is the end of the line for us. I’ve had as much as I can take. So, I bid a fond farewell to you. I’ll try to only remember the good times - the “Good night, neighbors” and Scoop Berman (wait, he’s still ok). And I’ll do my best to forget the weather dogs, Buzz Ladies and strip clubs. Ok, maybe not everything.

God speed,

Jeff

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