1. Thou shalt clap.

Even if you don’t like the band on stage, you clap when they are done. If you really don’t like them, it is more polite to just leave than it is to sit on your hands. If you fee so inclined, cheer, whoop, high five us (if you are close enough). We like that sort of thing…assuming we are a rock band. If it’s a singer/songwriter club, take it down a notch.

2. Thou shalt pay attention.

You know at the beginning of movies when they tell you to silence your cell phones? Basically, they are saying, “Don’t talk on your phone, text your friends, talk to your date, etc. while others are trying to watch the movie, jackass.” You aren’t just being disrespectful to the musicians, but also to the other patrons who are trying to enjoy themselves and listen.

3. Thou shalt not heckle.

I know when you’re out drinking with your friends, it can be real funny to yell stupid stuff during the show or throw things at the band or engage in general assholery, but no one thinks it is funny but you and you’re an asshole, so stop listening to yourself and just enjoy the music.

4. Thou shalt never yell “Freebird!”

It’s just not funny.

5. Honor the guest list.

If you ask to be on the guest list, that’s ok, but don’t ask and then not show up. We totally understand that stuff happens, but don’t say, “Hey, put me on the guest list because I might show up.” Um, no. If you MIGHT show up, just pay the cover. If you WILL show up, ask to be on the guest list and we might oblige.

6. Thou shalt support the merch table.

Buy cd’s and t-shirts, sign up for mailing lists, offer to help out, give the band tips. These are things that not only help us pay ourselves but encourage us to work harder. It might even get you a trip to the guest list next gig.

7. Thou shalt attend multiple shows.

If you like a band, go see them as often as possible. This encourages clubs to book the band and pay them more plus it energizes the musicians. Like any business, we can’t survive without your patronage.

8. Thou shalt bring people to shows with you.

Even better than seeing your smiling face at a show is seeing the faces of you and your ten friends. Let them listen to the music first so they can decide whether they are interested, but once they are, drag them along. Before you know it, you’ll have a cool little club of cool people who can make fun of all the losers who aren’t in your cool club (or not).

9. Thou shalt be respectful of the band’s space.

I remember going to Astroworld as a kid and riding the tram from the parking lot to the front gate. The guy would come over the loud speaker in a barely audible voice and say, “Please keep your hands and feet inside the tram and do not leave the tram until it comes to a full and complete stop.” Yeah, I went a lot. Anyway, same applies for ANY part of the stage that might interfere with our job. Don’t grab our legs, push on our stomp boxes or throw things. That is not cool. If you want to hop on stage and dive off or flash us (ladies only, please), that might be ok as long as you don’t knock us down. We want you to have a good time, but we can’t be very entertaining if we are fending off crazy hoards or trying to recover from the broken ankle we got when some nut grabbed us and dragged us off the stage.

10. Thou shalt have fun!

That’s really the whole point, is it not?

Hilarious language, but still.

String change?

Fret job?

New pickups?

Bridge adjustment?

Repair to the wiring?

Install a Floyd Rose?

We may never know, but one this is certain: this job likely required the biggest pair of needle nose pliers in the history of man kind.

A few days ago, I went a’huntin’ for what I believe to be the smallest allen wrench known to humans that is supposed to help me adjust the bridge on my new Fender jazz bass. This thing is like the width of a human hair and the folks at Fuller Vintage Guitar had to ravage an entire tool box just to find it. I feel like I need to hold it with tweezers.

For this guitar, you need a forklift just to get the allen wrench on the job site.

I’m trying to say it’s massive, people. MASSIVE!

(that’s what she said)

1. Thou shalt always provide free sodas for the band.

This is absolutely non-negotiable and, frankly, the least you can do. It costs you basically nothing and makes the band happy. When a musician asks for a Coke and you say “two bucks,” don’t be shocked when we look at you like, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

2. Thou shalt not complain about slow bar sales.

We, as musicians, are not here to sell drinks for you. We cannot control what our fans do. We will encourage folks to support the venue, buy drinks, tip well, etc., but it isn’t our fault if they don’t.

3. Thou shalt never make bands pay to play.

There are plenty of ways to work getting paid. You can give the band the door, take a percentage of the door, pay a flat rate or do some sort of draw, but never is it acceptable to make a band pay to play in your venue. And don’t try to fool us with some ticket scam where we have to buy X number of tickets in advance and then we get like a buck for each one a fan brings to a show. That’s bullshit. You know it and we know it.

4. Honor thy contract.

If you agree to pay the band before the show starts, don’t tell them you will pay them after. If you agree on a certain amount, don’t try to weasel out of it. This is not all that complicated.

5. Thou shalt not hold bands accountable for small crowds on weeknights.

I understand that sometimes bands need to prove themselves to a venue and play on a weeknight. But, don’t be shocked if 3 people show up to see us at midnight on a Tuesday. What do you expect? If you think the band is good, hook us up with a more popular band on a weekend and allow us to build a following. When we do get more popular, you’ll benefit from it because we’ll keep booking at your venue.

6. Thou shalt be available to book gigs regularly.

There is nothing more frustrating than having to call someone 100 times just to get them to tell you they have nothing available for you. Have some set hours. Return your emails even if you think we suck. We can take it. Let us book the night be play if necessary. Just don’t make us chase you down for nothing more than a yes or no answer. It’s a waste of everyone’s time.

7. Thou shalt promote thyself.

We are going to pimp ourselves. You can count on that. We know what happens if we don’t. But do NOT rely on us alone for promotion. If you build a reputation, people will show up just because you are open and book good bands. That works in both of our favor. Take out ads. Keep your website (especially the calendar!!!) up to date. You know, promote yourself!

8. Thou shalt think local.

One of the best ways for a band to increase its following is by opening for touring acts. If you are the type of venue that books regional and national touring acts, encourage them to allow you to book at least one local band to open the show. They may ask to approve them, but that’s ok. Just give them our website or MySpace. When we ask about this possibility, don’t tell us to contact the bands. We have a hard enough time getting hold of you.

9. Thou shalt provide a working sound system and a competent sound man (or more money).

Any decent live rock club is going to have its own sound system. Most will have a sound man as well. This just makes good sense. You are more likely to have quality sound on a nightly basis and have better control of the overall sound. You’ll also make the bands happy. If you don’t provide sound, pay us more. It’s hard enough schlepping our gear without having to bring PA systems and sound men, who charge us.

10. Thou shalt work with the band’s sound.

Nothing is more frustrating than a sound guy who demands that you change to suit him. Don’t tell a metal band to turn down the guitar. Don’t tell the drummer to just deal with the hum in his monitors. And when the singer needs more vocals in his monitor, just give it to him. Yes, we realize there are some prima donnas out there, but those can include audio engineers.

I’ll start with the musicians and get to the others in a couple future posts.

1. Thou shalt be thankful.

We are really lucky to be able to do what we do…in ANY capacity. Only a tiny percentage of people on this planet are able to perform their own music in front of people for money. As a result, we must be thankful for what we have. That means thank the booker, the club employees, the patrons and the other musicians as often as possible and remember how lucky you are the next time you are pissed only 10 people showed up. That’s 10 more than most people will ever see in front of them at a live performance in their lifetime.

2. Thou shalt be kind to your fellow musicians.

When you are performing with another band, you’re all in the same boat. You may have differing degrees of skill and/or popularity, but you all come from the same place of creativity. So, talk with them. Clap when they perform. Pimp them during your show. They might actually do the same.

3. Thou shalt encourage patrons to see more live music.

In addition to thanking people for showing up on this night, it is your responsibility to encourage folks to go to more shows and support live, local, original music. If you don’t care as a musician, why should anyone else?

4. Thou shalt not be a prima donna.

We all have bad nights. We all need just the right mix in our monitors. We don’t always get the most responsive audiences. But, that doesn’t make it ok to act like a 5-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. This is supposed to be entertaining both for you and for the people watching. When you get famous and sell a million records, you can ask for a tour rider with only green M&M’s and a dressing room with vintage furniture. Until then, take what you can get and shut the hell up.

5. Honor the sound guy.

Few people are as misunderstood as the live sound engineer at a club. These guys have a really, REALLY tough job. How would you like to have to deal with annoying, bad musicians every night of your life for little money and even less appreciation? Me either. Be polite and respectful. These guys can actually help you get gigs later.

6. Thou shalt tip your bar staff.

Think the sound guy has it tough? Try dealing with drunks all the time, particularly drunks in live music venues where the tips aren’t quite what you might get at a swanky downtown nightclub filled with douchebags loaded with disposable income. Even if you don’t have any money, encourage others to tip them and do what you can to make their jobs easier. Like the sound guy, they will make your life a lot easier.

7. Thou shalt not put more than a few people on your guest list.

This is particularly true when you are on a bill with multiple bands. If you put 20 people on your guest list for a venue that only holds 100, there’s a good chance no one will make any money and, worst of all, those people getting in free won’t place as much value on the show as they would if they paid - in other words, they’ll probably bail out early.

8. Thou shalt not be a hogger of space.

There is NOTHING more annoying than a band that won’t strike their drums even if they have like a 4-piece kit that takes all of 5 minutes to set up. Share gear or move your stuff. Same goes for the space where you store gear before and after shows. Don’t take up tons of space. We all gotta fit our gear in there somewhere. Just because you CAN take up more room than you need doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

9. Thou shalt get on and off stage quickly.

Don’t screw around talking with people and wrapping up cables perfectly. Just move it and take care of it later. This is especially important when the club crams 5 or more bands on the same bill. The more efficient you are, the better for everyone.

10. Thou shalt have fun.

If you don’t who the hell will? Seriously.

In honor of her post about ninja referrals, I present some of the recent refers to my blog complete with my own notations. Like anyone, I dig a good indian monkey image, but it’s the husband teepee Olivia Newton John that makes me proud to be a blogger.

Thursday

Yes, the parade was Saturday, but the fun craziness began on Thursday. Mind you, this was our first Art Car Parade and, being rookies at this, it took some thinking to figure out what to do. We rented a trailer and borrowed my step sister’s truck. Of course, I didn’t want to hot glue oranges all over it, so we bought a roll of magnetic sign material to cut up and stick all over the vehicle.

I got the trailer and hauled it to my house - not a particularly easy feat considering I was driving someone else’s truck and pulling a 20-foot flatbed for the first time in my life. My next door neighbor, who has managed to help me out of more domestic problems than I care to recount thanks to my apparent lack of handiness, helped get the trailer in the driveway.

By 6pm, my mom, Chris and his wife, Tammy, our friend Renee and her son, my friend Christina and the band’s former violinist, Amy, were out in the driveway working on the car.

I should stop here and say that my mom is the awesomest. Not only did she provide a bunch of the art supplies for the parade, but she made the coolest ever orange out of an exercise ball to go on the roof AND rode in the parade with us.

We spent about 5 hours decorating and did a pretty freaking awesome job considering most of us had about as much experience working on art as a 3rd grader without a smock.

Friday

On Friday, we were up early to appear on the KHOU show Great Day Houston (video here and here). The people at Great Day are really terrific. They were very helpful and seemed to really like the band.

I should also mention here that there are an abundance of attractive women working at KHOU. I don’t know if they have some sort of a pipeline or special staffing service, but aye!

Friday afternoon was mostly off time for everyone. Chris and George had to pick up a generator and I had to run to Home Depot and Target for last minute supplies, but nothing serious. The calm before the storm.

Saturday

Several times in my life I’ve had to play multiple times on the same day. Most of those occasions were in my 20’s. Once I played three times - all outside - on Cinco De Mayo and another time, I did two-and-a-half hours in the boiling sun in the middle of July before packing up and playing another three hours at a club nearby. Saturday was comparable.

The band plus Tammy and her three girls, my friend Christina and George’s friend Denny (the driver) and his son all arrived at my house around 9am. We loaded gear and figured out how many cars to take and were on the road by 10am. I pulled the trailer to the parade route and it took a few turns to find our way onto Allen Parkway.

I grumbled that things were disorganized only to realize that we had entered from the wrong spot because, well, I’m an idiot.

We found out spot fairly quickly and began unloading and setting up. It was still a bit overcast but hot as hell. It took well over an hour to get set up and, after a few minor glitches and a quick sound check, we were as ready as we would ever be.

Chris and I took a minute to sit inside the truck with the a/c on high. Frankly, if I hadn’t done that, I’m not sure I would have made it the whole parade. There is NO WAY if we do this again we’ll do it without the benefit of some cover for the trailer. In the shade, it really wasn’t awful outside, but standing in the direct sunlight was brutal.

Several more people met us while we waited including my mom (again, awesome), my friend, Tara, Amy and her husband, Bernard, Bernard’s cousin (and our good friend), Jill and her kids among others. I also saw quite a few people along the parade route including my step sister, Jenny, and friends like Erin, Kymberlie, Gavin (and his sons), Matthew, Jason (he took the pic, duh!) and more I know I’m forgetting.

By 1:30, we had managed to start inching our way down the parade route. If you’ve ever tried to stand up in the back of a truck as it drove in rush hour traffic, you’ll understand just how difficult it is to stand up on a trailer. Now, try doing it while playing an instrument and performing your material. It was pretty comical at times. At one point, I was convinced Chris was going to tumble right off the back of the trailer, but I guess his skateboarding skills kept him upright.

The crowd for the parade was awesome - tons of people and all very responsive and fun. There were some really hilarious people in the crowd and they all interacted with us throughout the trip. I have to admit that playing to a ton of people in that outdoor setting was a lot of fun. I particularly enjoyed riding through downtown with people hanging out of the parking garage.

There were a few small mishaps along the way but nothing of the train wreck variety and the whole thing seemed over much more quickly than I anticipated.

Let me say here a HUGE HUGE thanks to Tammy, her daughters, Christina, Tara, my mom and Denny for their incredible help during the parade. Tammy, Christina and Tara, in particular, ran along (and I do mean RAN) handing out postcards we printed up to people. They basically ran the entire distance WE DROVE. Amazing support from our dear friends.

Afterward, we made our way back to the parking lot near the AIG building where Steve’s van was parked. We tore down all the gear in our near-heat-stroke conditions and headed back to my house to unload. I had only a bit of pink on my face, otherwise I was un-toasted. I was completely exhausted and felt like crap from all the stress and heat, but I still had another show to go.

The Rudz show that night was nothing special. We played well, but we were all pretty burnt (literally and figuratively) from the long day.

I think we were all really happy about the way things went and the people at the Orange Show who put on the parade are amazing. They do such a fantastic job and if you’ve never been, you need to go next year. I’m pretty sure we’ll be back. It was a blast.

A very special thanks to all who made it out and to those I saw and didn’t see. Special nod to the following:

• All the folks who made the devil sign at me during the more heavy songs
• The lady with the creepy fake baby headbanging to our music
• The drunk guy who high-fived me
• All the volunteers who handed us water
• The radio guy who announced the band over the PA system as “Jeff Balke’s Orange Is In”
• The aforementioned people hanging out of the parking garage on Brazos who made us feel like the Rockets after a championship
• My singer, George, for re-attaching my strap after a failed attempt to pose like a rock star (see above photo)
• The people on the bridges we went under who didn’t spit on us
• The people under the bridges who were no doubt deafened by our loudness bouncing off all the walls and creating some awesome feedback
• The children scarred for life by the sight of us
• The guy who shouted out “DYNAMO” because of the jersey I was wearing
• The street cleaner who came up to Steve (drummer) right before we got started and said, “Now, THAT’s what I’m talking about” after our impromptu Latin jam
• The people who clapped for our silly blues jam George entitled “Great Day for a Parade” (I hope that didn’t make it to video)
• Windy from the Orange Show who is just beyond awesome
• That group of really hot girls near the KHOU building who screamed and danced for us
• The guy who gave us free burritos that no one ate
• The one guy (yeah, just one) who yelled “Play some Skynnard!”

and finally…

• All the people who faked singing “Suzanna” after George yelled “sing it if ya’ know it” before the last chorus.

You are all freaking awesome.

Happy birthday to me! My friend Laura told me today that whenever someone talked about him/herself today, I should say, “I’m sorry, shouldn’t you be talking about me?”

This past year has been full of many of the ups and downs of a normal year. Sadly, the downs were pretty far down beginning and ending with the loss of my father.

I’ve been lucky to have wonderful, gracious and patient friends who put up with my seemingly endless craziness. I gained quite a few new friends this year and saw others, sadly, move on to other lives. I’ve witnessed breakups (including my own) and pairings, gone on trips and sat in my big blue chair in front of the tv. I’ve taken a LOT of pictures and played a lot of great music.

It’s been a good year for music and photography, a decent year for business and a very tumultuous year for relationships of all kinds.

All in all, it’s been weird, complicated, happy and sad - a lot like most years. Here’s hoping for myself that the last year of my third decade on this crazy planet will be better than all the others combined. I’m sure with all of you around to keep me happy, that is a wish that will come true.

Two little girls nervously walk into a room where their father is reading the paper. The girls say, “Dad, it’s time.” He puts down the paper looking a bit disheveled and his girls continue, “You’d be a really nice catch for somebody…PUH-LEASE!”

This is sweet until you see the one girl’s outstretched arm holding a box of Just For Men hair dye. It is at the moment you see the father has graying hair and he lets loose with a grin.

Enter the voice over spoken gently over a bed of soft, new age music saying how using Just For Men could start something great.

The next scene you see the man, holding a PINK cell phone at a restaurant with some hot chick. He extends his arm to take a photo of the two of them and says, “For my girls.” Back home, the two girls sitting on an overstuffed chair high five each other and say, “YES! I’m glad we did it.”

Finally, a display of the Just For Men products with the tagline, “Stay in the game.”

Ok, I’m not going to bother getting into the “you have no chance of getting a date if you have gray hair” thing because it just isn’t true. I’m also not going to bother with the fact that ANY hair dye will work if you want to color your hair and you don’t need some crappy Grecian Formula wannabe.

What I would like to point out is how bizarre and disturbing the underlying messages are in this commercial. First, it takes two little girls with no mother (it was pretty clear by the tone of the commercial mom is dead) to coax their dad back into the land of dating. Second, they think their daddy is too damn ugly to date. Third, he soon after his transformation has a date with a hottie. Finally, he snaps a photo of his hot date for his girls with his pink Barbie cell phone.

What in the holy hell?

I mean seriously.

That commercial is just sick and twisted.

Who would believe that this guy…

…would use a pink Barbie phone? I think mommie probably killed herself when she found out daddy was gay.

I’m just sayin’.